“The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” – Anais Nin
I always prided myself in being strong. Not necessarily physically strong, but emotionally and mentally strong. I kept going no matter what – whether sick or tired, or scared or sad. Sometimes I would need a cappuccino to keep going, but mostly it was sheer determination. I pushed myself.
Then a few years ago I had an epiphany. I realized that being strong, and being proud of being strong, meant that on some level I was challenging the Universe to bring me adversity – to bring me events or circumstances that forced me to be strong.
What about life being easy? What about being in the flow? What about feeling totally supported and relaxing into that? Maybe being strong is the booby prize, not something to be proud of.
Actually, I still love my strength. But I do my best to not just “tough it out,” to “keep going no matter what.” When I was preparing for my very successful surgery last week, I was scared. My heart felt like it was beating funny for weeks. I did my best to not stuff the fear, but I felt it and I pulled out all my tools. I used Reiki, meditation, journaling, saying goodbye to my uterus, tapping (EFT), walks at the beach, receiving healing and good wishes from friends and students… and I was still scared. But I moved forward.
These days, I want balance. When I am tired, I rest if I can. When I’m hungry, I eat. When I’m scared, I am gentle and use my tools. I do my best to NOT push and keep going, but to listen and to honor what my body/mind/emotions need. I’m open to receive love and support and energy from all sources, and I hope you are too.
A note about my surgery last Thursday: It went perfectly. Today, six days post-op, I have almost no discomfort, and it is less every day. My body is functioning really well. I’m going for walks and working here at home, shopping and cooking, and totally grateful for my brilliant surgeons – and for my decision to finally get a long-time health challenge taken care of. Even though I am just a week post-op, I feel a new energy in my lower body – lighter, more clear, more alive. THANK YOU FOR YOUR HEALING AND PRAYERS!! I could definitely feel it!